4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
