this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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