Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
