i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
