His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
