I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
