my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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