I've blown a few things in my day
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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