I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
