My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize