Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
