Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
COCAINE IS GR8
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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