dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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