I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
