So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
