You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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