How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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