so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
