She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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