Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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