This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
