sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
