Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
