I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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