i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
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