Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
