It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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