Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
