I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
