Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
