i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
