I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
