based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
