So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
