I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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