I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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