the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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