I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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