is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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