Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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