Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
