I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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