So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
