I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
