I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This can only be settled by a dance off.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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