I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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