Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
