I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
