So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm gonna fight the coyote
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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