It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
