I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
