Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
