My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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