Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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