After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
